'psycologically devoured'

The need for a pity party increases. I'm getting really depressed.

The only class I could take today (besides Step - yea right) was Jam... again. This was the third time and I'm getting worse.

I cried. I pretended it was sweat in my eyes...

All I do is flail around. I'm so horrible at this. All of it! And those skinny little girls just bounce around for an hour like it's nothing. At least there were two or three others that were lost like me, but - as usual - they were probably 20 years older than me. I move like a 50 year old. Great for the self esteem.

All of this for stickers. And a stupid t-shirt. But it's more than that... it's accomplishment...and I don't even know if I can do it. I'm going to walk around on Friday for 3 hours and yet stupid aerobics classes make me cry.

I haven't had the chance to take something I liked since RPM on Saturday. As it is, I'd just take RPM all week if I could, but my pelvis STILL hurts from last time. I use those padded Andiamo underpants and a seat pad and it still kills me.

I go tomorrow for a personal training session. I need to relax and not take a class too. Strength training IS still exercise. Hell, my PT is technically exercise. No reason to limp home. I know this. It's logical.

All of this and I just don't see the use. It's been almost two months and I'm still just as fat and I still feel like shit and my knees hurt even worse. I'm 7 whole pounds lighter (oooh, a cat... a whole cat) and that much poorer for the WW fees and the gym membership. Why am I bothering?

I know I can't quit. I KNOW that, but my head is still all wrong.

During Jam, I was trying to think of something really horrible I could do.

Guess what I came up with? I had a smoothie!! oooooooooo! AND I had some SKIM MILK with my Subway cookie @ dinner. How freaking rebellious.

raaaaaaar.

:-(