I have been seeing a counselor/therapist guy since 10/13. He's very nice and I think we are doing some good. There's a lot of crap to wade in to and it's been rather haphazard at times, but there's really no map for these things. Sometimes it seems like we ought to go in one direction, sometimes another. We do what we can.
During this time [of seeing him], I resolved to put the matter of my possible sleeve surgery out of my mind. It did me no good worrying about it when it was out of my hands as to whether or not I would even get approved.
Well, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I did get approved.
I figured if this struck me with some sort of awful dread, then it wasn't the thing to do.
Quite the opposite, I am excited.
After the ok came through, I gave myself permission to eat and to enjoy it so I gained about 8 pounds back of the initial 26 or 27lbs that I lost since rejoining WW back in April. I know this was crucial because I will need those happy food memories to take with me as this new journey begins because even after I'm back on solid food, I will never eat the same way again and this time there's nothing to undo. No chickening out. No going back.
This gain gave me a certain amount of anxiety, but I knew it would be ok since I would lose it again pretty much immediately. I started a preop liquid diet on Tuesday and have lost about 6 lbs or so just doing that.
We leave for Decatur tomorrow to sign all my preop papers and get my blood tested and such to make sure no red flags go up and then I get operated on Tuesday. I have been extremely sick since about Wednesday so I have been a little worried about that, but I think I should be fine by tomorrow.
I guess I do a certain amount of subconscious worrying and that probably lowers my immune system and makes me susceptible to sickness... I got sick before my last surgery as well. I want to just get this over with because I think if they postponed me, I'd just get sick again.
I did let my doctor's office know the second I was feeling poorly so they did advise me as to what I couldn't take. My GP gave me a shot (Rocephin... I had not yet had the pleasure of that particular thing... OWWWW) and some anti-biotics and that was about all I could do besides increase my D and B-complex intake.
So I'm not worried.... consciously at least. I have my bag packed including jammies, a book (no crocheting since my hand will be unhappy with the IV in it), a pillow pal (unicorn) to hold against my lacerated tummy, some of my own knitted socks (100% cotton since that's what they advised last time... manmade fibers can COMBUST in a surgical environment)... I will bring my laptop if I remember and will try to update from there to let all know I am still alive.
I have watched several youtube videos and I know what this entails and that it's a great deal more invasive and bloody than last time, but I also know I will not die. I know this for the simple reason that I will wake up and I will wish that I was dead. I will hurt and I will be sick, but no... I won't die. It can't be that simple. :-)
I will ask for a twilight sleep patch and non-codiene based pain meds... but still. It's going to be bad. BUT unlike most, I have been there before. I know it ends. I know I will get through it because I did before. And the horror will not be a surprise. The only thing I have to fear this time is the nausea because I remember exactly how bad it was from last time. Only this time, instead of fearing for band slippage, I get to fear for puking or sneezing or coughing or whatever and imagine my staples popping and my innards flying out.
I also watch ZERO network TV now and so therefore will not expose myself to the same amount of foodbased advertising as before. The huge difference this time should be: the lapband did NOTHING to affect my hunger. I was ravenous the whole time and could not eat so it was like exotic psychological torture. After THIS procedure... I shouldn't even think about food again for a long long time....
Even now, I never really knew the goodness of protein before. I've been drinking Myoplex protein drinks as part of my liquid diet and it really hasn't been bad at all. Bouts of mind hunger and that's really been it.
So.
I have been reading "The Feeling Good Handbook" as part of my therapy and so I even used it to think about what would suck if I did die and even that doesn't worry me now.
I love my husband and my big furry cat family, I love my house, I love my friends and extended family. I would hate the idea of making them sad. I would hate the idea that I died before I could even buy some new clothes, that I'd never see Doug or the kitties or my other family members... I would miss being crafty, but other than not getting to see the last "Twilight" movie, I really can't think of a single thing I would consider unfinished business.
It would suck to die, but I'm not scared... like I said, I really really really doubt I'll get out of it that easy.
:-)
Wish me luck.
