I have been seeing a counselor/therapist guy since 10/13. He's very nice and I think we are doing some good. There's a lot of crap to wade in to and it's been rather haphazard at times, but there's really no map for these things. Sometimes it seems like we ought to go in one direction, sometimes another. We do what we can.
During this time [of seeing him], I resolved to put the matter of my possible sleeve surgery out of my mind. It did me no good worrying about it when it was out of my hands as to whether or not I would even get approved.
Well, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I did get approved.
I figured if this struck me with some sort of awful dread, then it wasn't the thing to do.
Quite the opposite, I am excited.
After the ok came through, I gave myself permission to eat and to enjoy it so I gained about 8 pounds back of the initial 26 or 27lbs that I lost since rejoining WW back in April. I know this was crucial because I will need those happy food memories to take with me as this new journey begins because even after I'm back on solid food, I will never eat the same way again and this time there's nothing to undo. No chickening out. No going back.
This gain gave me a certain amount of anxiety, but I knew it would be ok since I would lose it again pretty much immediately. I started a preop liquid diet on Tuesday and have lost about 6 lbs or so just doing that.
We leave for Decatur tomorrow to sign all my preop papers and get my blood tested and such to make sure no red flags go up and then I get operated on Tuesday. I have been extremely sick since about Wednesday so I have been a little worried about that, but I think I should be fine by tomorrow.
I guess I do a certain amount of subconscious worrying and that probably lowers my immune system and makes me susceptible to sickness... I got sick before my last surgery as well. I want to just get this over with because I think if they postponed me, I'd just get sick again.
I did let my doctor's office know the second I was feeling poorly so they did advise me as to what I couldn't take. My GP gave me a shot (Rocephin... I had not yet had the pleasure of that particular thing... OWWWW) and some anti-biotics and that was about all I could do besides increase my D and B-complex intake.
So I'm not worried.... consciously at least. I have my bag packed including jammies, a book (no crocheting since my hand will be unhappy with the IV in it), a pillow pal (unicorn) to hold against my lacerated tummy, some of my own knitted socks (100% cotton since that's what they advised last time... manmade fibers can COMBUST in a surgical environment)... I will bring my laptop if I remember and will try to update from there to let all know I am still alive.
I have watched several youtube videos and I know what this entails and that it's a great deal more invasive and bloody than last time, but I also know I will not die. I know this for the simple reason that I will wake up and I will wish that I was dead. I will hurt and I will be sick, but no... I won't die. It can't be that simple. :-)
I will ask for a twilight sleep patch and non-codiene based pain meds... but still. It's going to be bad. BUT unlike most, I have been there before. I know it ends. I know I will get through it because I did before. And the horror will not be a surprise. The only thing I have to fear this time is the nausea because I remember exactly how bad it was from last time. Only this time, instead of fearing for band slippage, I get to fear for puking or sneezing or coughing or whatever and imagine my staples popping and my innards flying out.
I also watch ZERO network TV now and so therefore will not expose myself to the same amount of foodbased advertising as before. The huge difference this time should be: the lapband did NOTHING to affect my hunger. I was ravenous the whole time and could not eat so it was like exotic psychological torture. After THIS procedure... I shouldn't even think about food again for a long long time....
Even now, I never really knew the goodness of protein before. I've been drinking Myoplex protein drinks as part of my liquid diet and it really hasn't been bad at all. Bouts of mind hunger and that's really been it.
So.
I have been reading "The Feeling Good Handbook" as part of my therapy and so I even used it to think about what would suck if I did die and even that doesn't worry me now.
I love my husband and my big furry cat family, I love my house, I love my friends and extended family. I would hate the idea of making them sad. I would hate the idea that I died before I could even buy some new clothes, that I'd never see Doug or the kitties or my other family members... I would miss being crafty, but other than not getting to see the last "Twilight" movie, I really can't think of a single thing I would consider unfinished business.
It would suck to die, but I'm not scared... like I said, I really really really doubt I'll get out of it that easy.
:-)
Wish me luck.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I need your help...
I haven't written in awhile because pretty much everything for the last 3 months would come out self-pittying drival.
I've thought many time of changing this blog's title to "Exercising is BULLSHIT" because that's pretty much how I feel... maybe 90% of the time.
At the gym, I can look forward to any combination of: nausea, dread, embarrassment, shame, feeling clumsy, self conscious, and stupid. Every now and then I will take a class and feel good!! Have the AHA, I know what I'm doing! moment. But most of the time I feel exactly like I'm back in [elementary/middle/high school] gym, standing in front of the others doing something stupid... In class, I have this irrational fear that the name calling will start at any minute. Logically, I know these women don't even know I'm there. Everyone is just there trying to make the most of their own hour and they don't care what I'm doing, but it scares me to death.
I stand there like an idiot and I get tears pricking at my eyes. The constant negative internal monologue pipes up with all SORTS of awesome things like how stupid I am because I can't "get" what everyone is doing and how I deserve to be fat because this exercise shit is easy for everyone else BUT me and these feelings are punishment for being fat. If I could just control myself, I wouldn't have to go there and feel stupid every day.
It's exhausting.
I'm considering going back on anti-depressants again. They don't solve anything, but induce a certain degree of numbness that at least help the day pass and keep the mantra of self-hatred a little quieter. I stopped taking them because I wanted to "feel." I really don't think I want that anymore. I wanted to "feel" the good feelings and I don't even seem to feel those much anymore so I think I'll re-examine my options.
I've lost about 20 lbs since I started all this back in April, but I don't consider that much of a win. I wouldn't say I have body dysmorphic disorder in so many words. I just have this talent for seeing every bit of fat I still have. Even if my waist or my calves or whatever have trimmed just a tad, my eye immediately falls to the love handles, the ass dimples, the rolls. I see only the bad.
Even better, before when I've lost weight and gained twice that back, I'll dig up a picture from the time when I was losing - A picture I'll REMEMBER seeing/taking. A picture where I told myself how fat I looked... and this time, ONLY THIS TIME, after the effort has been wasted, I will look at the picture and marvel at how good I looked... when I could NEVER see it before.
On January 14, 2009, I had lapband surgery... and I wish I could go back and undo things. I've been miserable. I was ill-prepared. My new doctors refer to how my surgery was initiated as me being a "heartbeat with insurance." I walked in to the office, told them I wanted to surgery, they checked my insurance and scheduled it. I had only met my surgeon one time before he cut me.
Waking up afterwards and having to suddenly transition to something I was totally unprepared for... the first two weeks after surgery were like torture. The suggested recovery time is two weeks and it's true: one week for your body, the whole time for your mind. If I had gone back to work after just a week, the first time someone brought in a take out hamburger for lunch, I would have gone postal. I would see a bowl of cereal on TV and start crying.
I did lose weight. About 60lbs. But it was pure misery. It is medically induced bulimia. It never worked the way I was promised. I was told I would feel fuller quicker. My entire life I feel like I've been ruled by my hunger... this idea was a dream come true. No, I never felt full. I was never able to eat and feel any sort of satisfaction. It was more like dread. To feel ravenously hungry, manage maybe 3 bites and -no matter how much I pulverized the food- feel intense sensations of discomfort. If I was lucky it was just sort of like choking, if not... well, the first time I experienced food getting stuck/rubbing on its way down, it felt like an ice cream headache in my stomach.
Imagine being out to dinner with your family and having to fake a smile and pretend like you are listening to the conversation all the while considering how much longer you can pretend to eat before you run to the bathroom to throw up. And like bulimia, imagine doing all this while you think about your friends/family talking about you after you've left because they know what's happened.
It just goes to show: be careful what you wish for. I always wished for a "clockwork orange diet" - something that would give me no choice. Eat properly or experience some sort of horrible sensation. That's exactly what this was: it took away my free will.
At one point, my stomach became irritated and the band pinched it shut completely. I couldn't even drink water. I ended up in the ER with a doctor who didn't know a clue about bands. I had to walk them through taking fluid out. I was brought a selection of needles and told to pick the one I thought looked like "the one." He poked me a dozen times before he thought to get an ultrasound machine to help guide his efforts. He finally managed to drain out about half my fluid. I felt so relieved to be able to eat without getting sick... that I went out and gained 20lbs in a month.
Oh, and that scenario happened after one of the other things no one warns you about: my surgeon abandoned me. No one warns you beforehand that your surgeon is probably motivated by cash. The cash is in the surgery NOT the aftercare. Your surgeon may very well do as mine did and follow the cash far away from you. What happens then? No one else will touch you without a fat "new patient fee" - anywhere from $500 to $3,000 depending on your situation.
Slap a sticker on me: I'm damaged goods.
I even learned that I've damaged my esophagus due to the food backing up (they warned me in the ER: the esophagus is not your STOMACH. There should be no DIGESTION going on there!!)
I was also starting to fall prey to another thing no one warns you about: "Soft Calorie Syndrome." You don't eat what you should, you eat things that go down easy: soups, ice cream, squishy soft burritos. High calorie things. The thing I craved the most after all this time was SALAD. I couldn't even eat SALAD because the consistency was all wrong. A piece of tomato down the wrong way could make me sick and irritated for a week!
So yes, you can tell that mentally I'm not in a really good place right now, BUT:
This summer I found a new place in DFW that would actually help me without costing an arm and a leg. They drained most of the fluid out and gave me relief again (after the scary weight gain, I had gone to a cash only place called Fill Centers USA and had gotten cinched back up... Fill Centers has also just gone out out business! Yet another reinforcement to the idea that having this thing inside me is a liability!) but this time I was already armed with the diet and exercise program I was following and have lost instead of gained.
Everyone at the new place was kind and welcoming. They answered my questions. I participated in an educational class about my options (band removal and revision to "sleeve" seems best for me... more extreme than the band, less extreme than bypass) and feel like I walked out of my first visit more informed and prepared than I ever was before. I have been visiting my GP about efforts and turning in my Weight Watchers progress graphs to them on a monthly basis. I did have a phone consult psych eval... and did ok - I know you'd never believe it from reading all this. I don't think this is going to solve all my problems. I just think that my weight has caused so many of my problems that removing it could very well make a whole lot of things better. I've never been anywhere near a healthy weight, I want to get there and judge for myself what the view from the top is like.
I know the recovery will be hell, but I also know that I've been there before and I got through it.
My new choice is as follows: leave the band in and hope they will stay in business for any length of time so I can get my aftercare, take the band out and rely purely on my own willpower to continue my weight loss efforts (I am extremely skeptical: I've never managed to keep up with my weight loss efforts before, why would this time be any different? Worse than never losing weight is having been there several times and sliding all the way back again), take the band out and convert to the "sleeve."
The proposal for the sleeve is currently being reviewed by my insurance. I no longer qualify with my BMI, but there might be a loophole: I lost less than 50% of the weight projected for me by my original surgeon. As it stands, I might have about a 50/50 shot. I was not turned down outright - they requested more information regarding my original surgery weight. If they were going to turn me down, they probably would have done it already... and yet they still could.
So the possible outcomes are so many and so varied, I am literally paralyzed right now. I feel like I couldn't even begin to choose what actually might be best for me. They could call me tomorrow and say "ok, let's do this thing" and I would just freeze. I don't know what's right for me. I wrote down everything I could think of today and thought maybe if I put it out here, someone will think of these items in some way that hasn't occured to me yet and maybe that will give me the puzzle piece I need in order to make the right decision.
(found this today: http://www.gastricsleeve.us/gastric-sleeve-vs-gastric-band.html - it's a side by side comparison of the sleeve and the band)
Here goes:
1. Do nothing – leave the band as is (4 ccs):
a. Band slips or erodes which could lead to minor corrective surgery or major surgery because a septic condition develops.
b. My stomach plays roulette with me. I get occasionally sick from internal swelling I cannot predict or control. Band squeezes my stomach shut for no reason and I end up in the emergency room again faced with doctors who don’t know how to help me.
c. I put up with the minor discomfort. I do not really lose any more weight, but I do not gain it either. Bready things like bagels still make me occasionally sick. Eating steak is still hard.
d. With the 4ccs still in my band, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
e. I stop dieting/exercising just like I always do. I start gaining the weight back slowly, 20lbs at a time. End up at 400+ lbs within 2 years.
f. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
2. JUST remove the band.
a. I gain back a huge amount of weight in a short time – at least 125lbs or more in a year. I end up back where I started: unhealthy, feeling horrible and putting major stress on my joints again. Probably make contact with another doctor about ANOTHER surgery.
b. I gain back all my weight, but slower – maybe more like 2 or 3 years… but I still do it.
c. I continue doing my diet and exercise. I may not lose, but I do not gain.
d. I die during surgery.
e. Without the band, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
f. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
3. Remove the band and are converted to the gastric sleeve.
a. I die during surgery.
b. My new stomach develops leaks, which require additional surgery.
c. I experience some other side effect, which damages my body and/or requires additional surgery.
d. I go through the surgery, heal, but am miserable. I am still sick and/or uncomfortable, but unlike the band: now there is no way out. I have irreversibly altered myself and must suffer the consequences for the rest of my life. I am vitamin starved and sickly. My hair falls out.
e. This procedure is exactly what I want: I heal and do fantastically. I am no longer ruled by my hunger. I eat to live instead of living to eat. For this reason, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
f. This procedure is exactly what I want… but only for awhile. Old habits take over and I stretch out my new stomach. I gain everything back only this time my new small-turned-big stomach is now thin like an overstretched balloon.
g. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
....
Well, what do you think?
I've thought many time of changing this blog's title to "Exercising is BULLSHIT" because that's pretty much how I feel... maybe 90% of the time.
At the gym, I can look forward to any combination of: nausea, dread, embarrassment, shame, feeling clumsy, self conscious, and stupid. Every now and then I will take a class and feel good!! Have the AHA, I know what I'm doing! moment. But most of the time I feel exactly like I'm back in [elementary/middle/high school] gym, standing in front of the others doing something stupid... In class, I have this irrational fear that the name calling will start at any minute. Logically, I know these women don't even know I'm there. Everyone is just there trying to make the most of their own hour and they don't care what I'm doing, but it scares me to death.
I stand there like an idiot and I get tears pricking at my eyes. The constant negative internal monologue pipes up with all SORTS of awesome things like how stupid I am because I can't "get" what everyone is doing and how I deserve to be fat because this exercise shit is easy for everyone else BUT me and these feelings are punishment for being fat. If I could just control myself, I wouldn't have to go there and feel stupid every day.
It's exhausting.
I'm considering going back on anti-depressants again. They don't solve anything, but induce a certain degree of numbness that at least help the day pass and keep the mantra of self-hatred a little quieter. I stopped taking them because I wanted to "feel." I really don't think I want that anymore. I wanted to "feel" the good feelings and I don't even seem to feel those much anymore so I think I'll re-examine my options.
I've lost about 20 lbs since I started all this back in April, but I don't consider that much of a win. I wouldn't say I have body dysmorphic disorder in so many words. I just have this talent for seeing every bit of fat I still have. Even if my waist or my calves or whatever have trimmed just a tad, my eye immediately falls to the love handles, the ass dimples, the rolls. I see only the bad.
Even better, before when I've lost weight and gained twice that back, I'll dig up a picture from the time when I was losing - A picture I'll REMEMBER seeing/taking. A picture where I told myself how fat I looked... and this time, ONLY THIS TIME, after the effort has been wasted, I will look at the picture and marvel at how good I looked... when I could NEVER see it before.
On January 14, 2009, I had lapband surgery... and I wish I could go back and undo things. I've been miserable. I was ill-prepared. My new doctors refer to how my surgery was initiated as me being a "heartbeat with insurance." I walked in to the office, told them I wanted to surgery, they checked my insurance and scheduled it. I had only met my surgeon one time before he cut me.
Waking up afterwards and having to suddenly transition to something I was totally unprepared for... the first two weeks after surgery were like torture. The suggested recovery time is two weeks and it's true: one week for your body, the whole time for your mind. If I had gone back to work after just a week, the first time someone brought in a take out hamburger for lunch, I would have gone postal. I would see a bowl of cereal on TV and start crying.
I did lose weight. About 60lbs. But it was pure misery. It is medically induced bulimia. It never worked the way I was promised. I was told I would feel fuller quicker. My entire life I feel like I've been ruled by my hunger... this idea was a dream come true. No, I never felt full. I was never able to eat and feel any sort of satisfaction. It was more like dread. To feel ravenously hungry, manage maybe 3 bites and -no matter how much I pulverized the food- feel intense sensations of discomfort. If I was lucky it was just sort of like choking, if not... well, the first time I experienced food getting stuck/rubbing on its way down, it felt like an ice cream headache in my stomach.
Imagine being out to dinner with your family and having to fake a smile and pretend like you are listening to the conversation all the while considering how much longer you can pretend to eat before you run to the bathroom to throw up. And like bulimia, imagine doing all this while you think about your friends/family talking about you after you've left because they know what's happened.
It just goes to show: be careful what you wish for. I always wished for a "clockwork orange diet" - something that would give me no choice. Eat properly or experience some sort of horrible sensation. That's exactly what this was: it took away my free will.
At one point, my stomach became irritated and the band pinched it shut completely. I couldn't even drink water. I ended up in the ER with a doctor who didn't know a clue about bands. I had to walk them through taking fluid out. I was brought a selection of needles and told to pick the one I thought looked like "the one." He poked me a dozen times before he thought to get an ultrasound machine to help guide his efforts. He finally managed to drain out about half my fluid. I felt so relieved to be able to eat without getting sick... that I went out and gained 20lbs in a month.
Oh, and that scenario happened after one of the other things no one warns you about: my surgeon abandoned me. No one warns you beforehand that your surgeon is probably motivated by cash. The cash is in the surgery NOT the aftercare. Your surgeon may very well do as mine did and follow the cash far away from you. What happens then? No one else will touch you without a fat "new patient fee" - anywhere from $500 to $3,000 depending on your situation.
Slap a sticker on me: I'm damaged goods.
I even learned that I've damaged my esophagus due to the food backing up (they warned me in the ER: the esophagus is not your STOMACH. There should be no DIGESTION going on there!!)
I was also starting to fall prey to another thing no one warns you about: "Soft Calorie Syndrome." You don't eat what you should, you eat things that go down easy: soups, ice cream, squishy soft burritos. High calorie things. The thing I craved the most after all this time was SALAD. I couldn't even eat SALAD because the consistency was all wrong. A piece of tomato down the wrong way could make me sick and irritated for a week!
So yes, you can tell that mentally I'm not in a really good place right now, BUT:
This summer I found a new place in DFW that would actually help me without costing an arm and a leg. They drained most of the fluid out and gave me relief again (after the scary weight gain, I had gone to a cash only place called Fill Centers USA and had gotten cinched back up... Fill Centers has also just gone out out business! Yet another reinforcement to the idea that having this thing inside me is a liability!) but this time I was already armed with the diet and exercise program I was following and have lost instead of gained.
Everyone at the new place was kind and welcoming. They answered my questions. I participated in an educational class about my options (band removal and revision to "sleeve" seems best for me... more extreme than the band, less extreme than bypass) and feel like I walked out of my first visit more informed and prepared than I ever was before. I have been visiting my GP about efforts and turning in my Weight Watchers progress graphs to them on a monthly basis. I did have a phone consult psych eval... and did ok - I know you'd never believe it from reading all this. I don't think this is going to solve all my problems. I just think that my weight has caused so many of my problems that removing it could very well make a whole lot of things better. I've never been anywhere near a healthy weight, I want to get there and judge for myself what the view from the top is like.
I know the recovery will be hell, but I also know that I've been there before and I got through it.
My new choice is as follows: leave the band in and hope they will stay in business for any length of time so I can get my aftercare, take the band out and rely purely on my own willpower to continue my weight loss efforts (I am extremely skeptical: I've never managed to keep up with my weight loss efforts before, why would this time be any different? Worse than never losing weight is having been there several times and sliding all the way back again), take the band out and convert to the "sleeve."
The proposal for the sleeve is currently being reviewed by my insurance. I no longer qualify with my BMI, but there might be a loophole: I lost less than 50% of the weight projected for me by my original surgeon. As it stands, I might have about a 50/50 shot. I was not turned down outright - they requested more information regarding my original surgery weight. If they were going to turn me down, they probably would have done it already... and yet they still could.
So the possible outcomes are so many and so varied, I am literally paralyzed right now. I feel like I couldn't even begin to choose what actually might be best for me. They could call me tomorrow and say "ok, let's do this thing" and I would just freeze. I don't know what's right for me. I wrote down everything I could think of today and thought maybe if I put it out here, someone will think of these items in some way that hasn't occured to me yet and maybe that will give me the puzzle piece I need in order to make the right decision.
(found this today: http://www.gastricsleeve.us/gastric-sleeve-vs-gastric-band.html - it's a side by side comparison of the sleeve and the band)
Here goes:
1. Do nothing – leave the band as is (4 ccs):
a. Band slips or erodes which could lead to minor corrective surgery or major surgery because a septic condition develops.
b. My stomach plays roulette with me. I get occasionally sick from internal swelling I cannot predict or control. Band squeezes my stomach shut for no reason and I end up in the emergency room again faced with doctors who don’t know how to help me.
c. I put up with the minor discomfort. I do not really lose any more weight, but I do not gain it either. Bready things like bagels still make me occasionally sick. Eating steak is still hard.
d. With the 4ccs still in my band, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
e. I stop dieting/exercising just like I always do. I start gaining the weight back slowly, 20lbs at a time. End up at 400+ lbs within 2 years.
f. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
2. JUST remove the band.
a. I gain back a huge amount of weight in a short time – at least 125lbs or more in a year. I end up back where I started: unhealthy, feeling horrible and putting major stress on my joints again. Probably make contact with another doctor about ANOTHER surgery.
b. I gain back all my weight, but slower – maybe more like 2 or 3 years… but I still do it.
c. I continue doing my diet and exercise. I may not lose, but I do not gain.
d. I die during surgery.
e. Without the band, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
f. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
3. Remove the band and are converted to the gastric sleeve.
a. I die during surgery.
b. My new stomach develops leaks, which require additional surgery.
c. I experience some other side effect, which damages my body and/or requires additional surgery.
d. I go through the surgery, heal, but am miserable. I am still sick and/or uncomfortable, but unlike the band: now there is no way out. I have irreversibly altered myself and must suffer the consequences for the rest of my life. I am vitamin starved and sickly. My hair falls out.
e. This procedure is exactly what I want: I heal and do fantastically. I am no longer ruled by my hunger. I eat to live instead of living to eat. For this reason, I am hugely successful at my dieting and exercising; I lose ALL my weight and never gain it back again. I am healthy and happy.
f. This procedure is exactly what I want… but only for awhile. Old habits take over and I stretch out my new stomach. I gain everything back only this time my new small-turned-big stomach is now thin like an overstretched balloon.
g. I lose all my weight, but realize this does not make me happy either. I find something else to be depressed about.
....
Well, what do you think?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
'Get busy livin' or get Kraken...'
On Friday I was offered what I thought I wanted: knee surgery.
I said "no."
It would be 6 mos to a year of living in physical therapy (which I've already had a taste of and determined to be - at least for me - crap.) I could only work my upper body at the gym -- which just wouldn't work as my favorite class has ultimately become RPM and 6 mos to a year without RPM is just not happening.
I told him the PT he prescribed didn't do jack for my knees (2 hrs a day, 3 days a week), but the little girl I see ONCE a week for half an hour at the gym is actually helping. He said ok, deemed that progress and set me another appt for 6 weeks. He said the offer would still stand later if I changed my mind.
I need another year to make up my mind (I'm making another decision right now that will make even my knees take a backseat, but I'll talk about that when I'm ready.)
A year seems to be the magic number.
If I can change myself, it will be realizable in a year.
There's too much happening right now. I've got follow ups with 4 or 5 other differents kinds of doctors right now. Someone I deal with through work actually asked what was going on with me and it's hard to explain: I've always had aches and pains and things that could be construde as problems, but once I turned 30 - I don't know - they just seemed more real... like real adults should get things like aches and pains looked at.
I went to a chiropractor for the first time - also on Friday.
My pelvis is out of whack - which very well could assume part of the blame for the way my knees are.
The visit was some scary stuff: this little skinny guy dangled me off a table and then rammed my legs up in to my body. Because I didn't have any idea what was about to happen, when it did and I heard all my bones (inside my head? outside? no idea) crack, I screamed. He jumped back sort of surprised, he thought I knew what was about to happen. Nope. I don't even think if I'd been given a play-by-play of what was about to happen to me... I don't think even then I could have prepared myself for that.
So he did that to both my legs and then he ran this wand thing down my spine and poked me in the back several times. Each time the spot was incredibly tender and he'd ask me how long those places had been bothering me as well. I didn't have a clue. I had to try and explain that I live in constant agony because of my knees. When one part of the body is shouting so loudly, the other hurty bits don't really get heard.
So he popped a bit in my back as well, but I think he thought that was enough trauma for a noob and let me go.
I see him again on Wednesday.
Doug came to the gym with me on Friday. He's had a check up and knows now that he has high cholesterol and so seems to also be acknowledging a change is necessary in how he does things in his life as well.
We took Combat.
It made his head hurt.
I'm going to show him RPM and (hopefully) Pump and then if he doesn't like those either, I guess he won't join after all (he had said that he wanted to, but not if all the classes do is make his head hurt.)
I hope he'll join... I hadn't even entertained the idea of being able to do this with him, but now that he's hinted it's a possibility, I'm totally elated.
I now have 36 stickers. The goal is in sight!
:-)
I said "no."
It would be 6 mos to a year of living in physical therapy (which I've already had a taste of and determined to be - at least for me - crap.) I could only work my upper body at the gym -- which just wouldn't work as my favorite class has ultimately become RPM and 6 mos to a year without RPM is just not happening.
I told him the PT he prescribed didn't do jack for my knees (2 hrs a day, 3 days a week), but the little girl I see ONCE a week for half an hour at the gym is actually helping. He said ok, deemed that progress and set me another appt for 6 weeks. He said the offer would still stand later if I changed my mind.
I need another year to make up my mind (I'm making another decision right now that will make even my knees take a backseat, but I'll talk about that when I'm ready.)
A year seems to be the magic number.
If I can change myself, it will be realizable in a year.
There's too much happening right now. I've got follow ups with 4 or 5 other differents kinds of doctors right now. Someone I deal with through work actually asked what was going on with me and it's hard to explain: I've always had aches and pains and things that could be construde as problems, but once I turned 30 - I don't know - they just seemed more real... like real adults should get things like aches and pains looked at.
I went to a chiropractor for the first time - also on Friday.
My pelvis is out of whack - which very well could assume part of the blame for the way my knees are.
The visit was some scary stuff: this little skinny guy dangled me off a table and then rammed my legs up in to my body. Because I didn't have any idea what was about to happen, when it did and I heard all my bones (inside my head? outside? no idea) crack, I screamed. He jumped back sort of surprised, he thought I knew what was about to happen. Nope. I don't even think if I'd been given a play-by-play of what was about to happen to me... I don't think even then I could have prepared myself for that.
So he did that to both my legs and then he ran this wand thing down my spine and poked me in the back several times. Each time the spot was incredibly tender and he'd ask me how long those places had been bothering me as well. I didn't have a clue. I had to try and explain that I live in constant agony because of my knees. When one part of the body is shouting so loudly, the other hurty bits don't really get heard.
So he popped a bit in my back as well, but I think he thought that was enough trauma for a noob and let me go.
I see him again on Wednesday.
Doug came to the gym with me on Friday. He's had a check up and knows now that he has high cholesterol and so seems to also be acknowledging a change is necessary in how he does things in his life as well.
We took Combat.
It made his head hurt.
I'm going to show him RPM and (hopefully) Pump and then if he doesn't like those either, I guess he won't join after all (he had said that he wanted to, but not if all the classes do is make his head hurt.)
I hope he'll join... I hadn't even entertained the idea of being able to do this with him, but now that he's hinted it's a possibility, I'm totally elated.
I now have 36 stickers. The goal is in sight!
:-)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
:-(
What a horrible, crappy day.
The doctor 'handling' my knee situation is a prick.
I had a 4:40 appt. I didn't even get called back 'til 6:40. I said "the natives are getting restless" to one of his minions. He said it was because the doctor spent "so much time" with each of his patients.
Bull.
I wait longer... and longer.
Finally, he comes in. Doesn't even say 'hi.' Pokes my knees, makes me scream and tells me he wants me to get an MRI- yet he mentions when it's tendons it probably won't show up on an MRI. The entire interaction took three minutes. OHHHHH the QUALITY TIME!!!!
I should have just walked out. I was literally getting up to walk out when they called my name. He's already told me there's nothing to be done for my problem besides what I'm already doing. Not like he's going to see my MRI, go "gee, that's BAD" and sign me up for an operation where I'm given baboon tendons or something.
So I was late for Pump class. Nothing like coming in late to class that requires a lot of equipment set up to draw lots and lots of attention to yourself. Fantastic.
It's bed time.
I'm on a roll so far -- what new and wonderful ways can TOMORROW suck?
The doctor 'handling' my knee situation is a prick.
I had a 4:40 appt. I didn't even get called back 'til 6:40. I said "the natives are getting restless" to one of his minions. He said it was because the doctor spent "so much time" with each of his patients.
Bull.
I wait longer... and longer.
Finally, he comes in. Doesn't even say 'hi.' Pokes my knees, makes me scream and tells me he wants me to get an MRI- yet he mentions when it's tendons it probably won't show up on an MRI. The entire interaction took three minutes. OHHHHH the QUALITY TIME!!!!
I should have just walked out. I was literally getting up to walk out when they called my name. He's already told me there's nothing to be done for my problem besides what I'm already doing. Not like he's going to see my MRI, go "gee, that's BAD" and sign me up for an operation where I'm given baboon tendons or something.
So I was late for Pump class. Nothing like coming in late to class that requires a lot of equipment set up to draw lots and lots of attention to yourself. Fantastic.
It's bed time.
I'm on a roll so far -- what new and wonderful ways can TOMORROW suck?
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
because I COULD
The hole in the bottom of my left foot is finally healed enough to where I can walk on it without a pronounced limp.
Get a giant, disgusting blister (or 3), DON'T clip the skin off the top if you ever want to walk on your foot again: Lesson Learned.
I really had a fantastic time at the event on Friday. I did - as I probably already mentioned - 9 miles in about 3 hours 15 - give or take. It was still at least 100 when we started, but it really didn't bother me. There were vats of ice water and we all got free bandanas. I'd dip mine every time I went around and squeeze it over my head, tie it - still soaking wet - around my neck, and it'd be dry by the time I got 'round again.
I thought I would get bored, but the shortened route didn't feel that much shorter than the way I usually walk (1 mi vs 1.5 mi).
I put the audiobook of Stephen King's "The Long Walk" on my iPod and just went for it... my entertainment felt quite appropriate (or not appropriate at all if you consider the distance walked in THAT little tale.)
My knees were screaming agony pretty much from the get-go. I limped the last 2 miles. I got some Excedrin from Doug about half way through, but if it did anything, I couldn't tell.
I just got in to creating rituals: grabbing a cup of something (at first it was water, then Gatorade and then something else "sport drinky," but I couldn't even guess) at the aid station, dipping my bandana, stopping for a stretch at a bench 1/2 way through the loop, passing my car & waving at Doug near the start/finish.
I had my camelback with me (there were supposed to be places where you could fill up, but I didn't see where), but I wanted to conserve it so I would drink cups of stuff from the aid station and I can now add to my list of life experiences: the sensual pleasure of drinking cold water when you are truly thirsty. My camelback stays pretty cold, but it still tastes like plastic. Bleck. No... no, that first cupful of cold, clear water was... magnificent. The roulette of tastes afterwards - not so much - especially getting a mouthful of lime sports drink when you are ready for another cup of tasty water.
Everyone was really nice. It made me slightly nervous. I'm rather guarded these days because it seems like every time I try to insinuate myself in to some sort of pre-established social situation, I end up screwing up somehow - violating some kind of rule I'm unaware of - and making myself unwelcome.
It was in this frame of mind, I first viewed the other people in the event.
I scooted myself to the very back of the starting group because I knew they would all take off running and I didn't want to be in the way. Sure enough, the whole pack took off and even the other 2 or 3 walkers zoomed off in front of me and I was a speck. As the runners started to lap me, they would say "good job." My suspicious tendencies told me I was being made fun of. 'Good job, fatty, way NOT to hustle it.' It took me a little while to realize they were being sincere. I started congratulating people back. It felt nice.
There were even some ladies parked at a mini aid station on the other side of the route who actually took time to learn peoples' names and they would go "hey look - it's Liz - YAY Liz!"
Even though my knees were held together with rusty nails by that point, I still jogged the finish line just like I did with April when we walked in Irving.
I got a cap for finishing. So my swag came down to a tech shirt, a cap and a bandana. Not bad!
The race was timed - I had a little tag zip-tied to my shoe lace. It was after I finished, I truly learned another fact that my previous try at the endurance walk (2 hrs) started to teach me: feet in motion usually try to stay in motion. I stopped so a guy could come over and clip the tag off my laces and it was all I could do not to fall on his head since my legs didn't like going from all that movement to NO movement. The poor people thought I was going to pass out, but it was just my traitor legs.
(I was pleasantly surprised to learn I was 17/22 in the Womens' 3 hr... don't get me wrong - I don't care about time. I will never place or win a sporting competition of any kind. I know that. But the fact that I wasn't dead last when that's been my usual place my entire LIFE - Liz the bumbling, clumsy, fat one, last running laps, last picked for any sort of team... just reaffirms to me that I'm not making a fool of myself.)
There was food, but I didn't bother. I limped back to the car and directed Doug to whisk me to the nearest Walgreens where I bought a giant box of instant icepacks (I forgot to chill mine before the walk!!) and blister bandaids.
I went home, showered, crawled in to bed, applied ice to my affected areas... and all, but hibernated for the whole weekend.
That's about the shape of it.
:-)
The reactions to my tale of accomplishment have been split roughly in to two groups: "that's awesome!" and "why in the world would you want to do something like that???!!!" It reminds me of the tattoo sticker I used to see around "The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is: tattooed people don't care if you're not tattooed." Insert walkers/runners in to that scenario and you kinda get the picture. There's a jerk at my work that was really stupid about it: going on and on about how hot it was (ha! sort of like how my HUSBAND did) and how he didn't understand why I'd want to do something like that... I really wanted to let him have it, but of course, I have natural non-confrontational tendencies... which lead to a frustrating lack of ever SPEAKING MY MIND (sigh.)
The answer is: I did it because I COULD. I could do something that you people either CAN'T or WON'T.
Get a giant, disgusting blister (or 3), DON'T clip the skin off the top if you ever want to walk on your foot again: Lesson Learned.
I really had a fantastic time at the event on Friday. I did - as I probably already mentioned - 9 miles in about 3 hours 15 - give or take. It was still at least 100 when we started, but it really didn't bother me. There were vats of ice water and we all got free bandanas. I'd dip mine every time I went around and squeeze it over my head, tie it - still soaking wet - around my neck, and it'd be dry by the time I got 'round again.
I thought I would get bored, but the shortened route didn't feel that much shorter than the way I usually walk (1 mi vs 1.5 mi).
I put the audiobook of Stephen King's "The Long Walk" on my iPod and just went for it... my entertainment felt quite appropriate (or not appropriate at all if you consider the distance walked in THAT little tale.)
My knees were screaming agony pretty much from the get-go. I limped the last 2 miles. I got some Excedrin from Doug about half way through, but if it did anything, I couldn't tell.
I just got in to creating rituals: grabbing a cup of something (at first it was water, then Gatorade and then something else "sport drinky," but I couldn't even guess) at the aid station, dipping my bandana, stopping for a stretch at a bench 1/2 way through the loop, passing my car & waving at Doug near the start/finish.
I had my camelback with me (there were supposed to be places where you could fill up, but I didn't see where), but I wanted to conserve it so I would drink cups of stuff from the aid station and I can now add to my list of life experiences: the sensual pleasure of drinking cold water when you are truly thirsty. My camelback stays pretty cold, but it still tastes like plastic. Bleck. No... no, that first cupful of cold, clear water was... magnificent. The roulette of tastes afterwards - not so much - especially getting a mouthful of lime sports drink when you are ready for another cup of tasty water.
Everyone was really nice. It made me slightly nervous. I'm rather guarded these days because it seems like every time I try to insinuate myself in to some sort of pre-established social situation, I end up screwing up somehow - violating some kind of rule I'm unaware of - and making myself unwelcome.
It was in this frame of mind, I first viewed the other people in the event.
I scooted myself to the very back of the starting group because I knew they would all take off running and I didn't want to be in the way. Sure enough, the whole pack took off and even the other 2 or 3 walkers zoomed off in front of me and I was a speck. As the runners started to lap me, they would say "good job." My suspicious tendencies told me I was being made fun of. 'Good job, fatty, way NOT to hustle it.' It took me a little while to realize they were being sincere. I started congratulating people back. It felt nice.
There were even some ladies parked at a mini aid station on the other side of the route who actually took time to learn peoples' names and they would go "hey look - it's Liz - YAY Liz!"
Even though my knees were held together with rusty nails by that point, I still jogged the finish line just like I did with April when we walked in Irving.
I got a cap for finishing. So my swag came down to a tech shirt, a cap and a bandana. Not bad!
The race was timed - I had a little tag zip-tied to my shoe lace. It was after I finished, I truly learned another fact that my previous try at the endurance walk (2 hrs) started to teach me: feet in motion usually try to stay in motion. I stopped so a guy could come over and clip the tag off my laces and it was all I could do not to fall on his head since my legs didn't like going from all that movement to NO movement. The poor people thought I was going to pass out, but it was just my traitor legs.
(I was pleasantly surprised to learn I was 17/22 in the Womens' 3 hr... don't get me wrong - I don't care about time. I will never place or win a sporting competition of any kind. I know that. But the fact that I wasn't dead last when that's been my usual place my entire LIFE - Liz the bumbling, clumsy, fat one, last running laps, last picked for any sort of team... just reaffirms to me that I'm not making a fool of myself.)
There was food, but I didn't bother. I limped back to the car and directed Doug to whisk me to the nearest Walgreens where I bought a giant box of instant icepacks (I forgot to chill mine before the walk!!) and blister bandaids.
I went home, showered, crawled in to bed, applied ice to my affected areas... and all, but hibernated for the whole weekend.
That's about the shape of it.
:-)
The reactions to my tale of accomplishment have been split roughly in to two groups: "that's awesome!" and "why in the world would you want to do something like that???!!!" It reminds me of the tattoo sticker I used to see around "The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is: tattooed people don't care if you're not tattooed." Insert walkers/runners in to that scenario and you kinda get the picture. There's a jerk at my work that was really stupid about it: going on and on about how hot it was (ha! sort of like how my HUSBAND did) and how he didn't understand why I'd want to do something like that... I really wanted to let him have it, but of course, I have natural non-confrontational tendencies... which lead to a frustrating lack of ever SPEAKING MY MIND (sigh.)
The answer is: I did it because I COULD. I could do something that you people either CAN'T or WON'T.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
NINE MILES
I will write a brilliant blog about the Endurance thingie... tomorrow... after I come out of my coma.
:-)
:-)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
endurance... I WILL has it!
The endurance thing is tomorrow.
I don't know why Doug thinks I'm so crazy - I've walked in the heat before. As long as you stay hydrated, you're fine (I will continue to chant this until further notice.) But I do feel better now that Doug is coming with me... just in case I need someone to scrape me up off the pavement.
I'm not scared. I've made it 2 hours before. 3 isn't that much more. The only thing I'm worried about is getting bored. I've downloaded - fittingly enough - the audiobook for "The Long Walk." The walk should almost get me through part one. I've not walked to a book before so I'm sure it will affect my pace. BUT this is not for pace... it's for TIME! I will rule!
I will say this: it felt awfully nice at RPM class this afternoon... all the fit people started talking about it and I got to brag that I was going to be there. 'Course they all said, "you're RUNNING?" Um no. That would be a no.
BUT I get a shirt. An AWESOME shirt... or so I've heard.
I don't know why Doug thinks I'm so crazy - I've walked in the heat before. As long as you stay hydrated, you're fine (I will continue to chant this until further notice.) But I do feel better now that Doug is coming with me... just in case I need someone to scrape me up off the pavement.
I'm not scared. I've made it 2 hours before. 3 isn't that much more. The only thing I'm worried about is getting bored. I've downloaded - fittingly enough - the audiobook for "The Long Walk." The walk should almost get me through part one. I've not walked to a book before so I'm sure it will affect my pace. BUT this is not for pace... it's for TIME! I will rule!
I will say this: it felt awfully nice at RPM class this afternoon... all the fit people started talking about it and I got to brag that I was going to be there. 'Course they all said, "you're RUNNING?" Um no. That would be a no.
BUT I get a shirt. An AWESOME shirt... or so I've heard.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
'psycologically devoured'
The need for a pity party increases. I'm getting really depressed.
The only class I could take today (besides Step - yea right) was Jam... again. This was the third time and I'm getting worse.
I cried. I pretended it was sweat in my eyes...
All I do is flail around. I'm so horrible at this. All of it! And those skinny little girls just bounce around for an hour like it's nothing. At least there were two or three others that were lost like me, but - as usual - they were probably 20 years older than me. I move like a 50 year old. Great for the self esteem.
All of this for stickers. And a stupid t-shirt. But it's more than that... it's accomplishment...and I don't even know if I can do it. I'm going to walk around on Friday for 3 hours and yet stupid aerobics classes make me cry.
I haven't had the chance to take something I liked since RPM on Saturday. As it is, I'd just take RPM all week if I could, but my pelvis STILL hurts from last time. I use those padded Andiamo underpants and a seat pad and it still kills me.
I go tomorrow for a personal training session. I need to relax and not take a class too. Strength training IS still exercise. Hell, my PT is technically exercise. No reason to limp home. I know this. It's logical.
All of this and I just don't see the use. It's been almost two months and I'm still just as fat and I still feel like shit and my knees hurt even worse. I'm 7 whole pounds lighter (oooh, a cat... a whole cat) and that much poorer for the WW fees and the gym membership. Why am I bothering?
I know I can't quit. I KNOW that, but my head is still all wrong.
During Jam, I was trying to think of something really horrible I could do.
Guess what I came up with? I had a smoothie!! oooooooooo! AND I had some SKIM MILK with my Subway cookie @ dinner. How freaking rebellious.
raaaaaaar.
:-(
The only class I could take today (besides Step - yea right) was Jam... again. This was the third time and I'm getting worse.
I cried. I pretended it was sweat in my eyes...
All I do is flail around. I'm so horrible at this. All of it! And those skinny little girls just bounce around for an hour like it's nothing. At least there were two or three others that were lost like me, but - as usual - they were probably 20 years older than me. I move like a 50 year old. Great for the self esteem.
All of this for stickers. And a stupid t-shirt. But it's more than that... it's accomplishment...and I don't even know if I can do it. I'm going to walk around on Friday for 3 hours and yet stupid aerobics classes make me cry.
I haven't had the chance to take something I liked since RPM on Saturday. As it is, I'd just take RPM all week if I could, but my pelvis STILL hurts from last time. I use those padded Andiamo underpants and a seat pad and it still kills me.
I go tomorrow for a personal training session. I need to relax and not take a class too. Strength training IS still exercise. Hell, my PT is technically exercise. No reason to limp home. I know this. It's logical.
All of this and I just don't see the use. It's been almost two months and I'm still just as fat and I still feel like shit and my knees hurt even worse. I'm 7 whole pounds lighter (oooh, a cat... a whole cat) and that much poorer for the WW fees and the gym membership. Why am I bothering?
I know I can't quit. I KNOW that, but my head is still all wrong.
During Jam, I was trying to think of something really horrible I could do.
Guess what I came up with? I had a smoothie!! oooooooooo! AND I had some SKIM MILK with my Subway cookie @ dinner. How freaking rebellious.
raaaaaaar.
:-(
Monday, June 13, 2011
6 stickers... none of them banana-shaped...
I'm feeling generally angry and sorry for myself so I haven't bothered to write lately... believe me, I've composed entries in my head (most of them laden with profanity, of course.) So I'll try to avoid the pity party I've been trying to throw myself and will skip on to the interesting bits.
I have completed my study of the 8 Les Mills 'Body Classes' and can now rank them as follows:
1. Combat - yay for pent-up aggression release!
2. Pump - not a lot to screw up. Barbell go up, barbell go down
3. RPM - once again, not a lot to screw up. Pedal fast, pedal slow
4. Vive - doesn't really do it for me, but not as easy to screw up as the rest on the list.
5. Jam - like Step... without the step. How easy it is to undertstand depends on the instructor.
6. Attack - eh, just aerobics. Nothing special.
7. Flow - yoga can suck it
8. Step - no. just no.
Hendrick is also having something called "Summer Shape up" where if you go to a class, you get a sticker. Everyone's names are out in the lobby on a several big bits of board just like in school. You put your sticker by your name and if you get 40 stickers in 10 weeks you get a t-shirt. This is right up my alley. Unfortunately, I am now officially in Physical Therapy for my knees so it's getting harder to cram in a class as well as PT (and after today's PT and then Jam class, I could probably say it's also unwise, but I WANT MY FRIGGING T-SHIRT!)
Today, I have six stickers.
Today was also trip 2 of 9 to PT. I do activities and then I get rubbed with a sonogram doo-dad & wrapped in giant inflatable ice packs. Today's interesting activity was basically scooting around a carpeted floor on a wheeled stool for 5 minutes -- forward and backward, forward and backward. Sounds funny? I dare you to try it and not sweat.
The diagnosis I've waited my whole life for: patellar tendinitis. Its extremely ironic name (for me at least)? "Jumper's Knee." I was hoping I could just get a knee replacement or two and then *boom* no pain. No such luck. No real surgery to treat it. Just ice packs and Ibuprofen and do some exercises... that I was doing anyway. Bleck. All I know is that I hurt more. A lot more. And I don't see how doing exercise is going to fix that when it's the chief cause. I'm not saying I'm stopping... no. I'm just saying I'm angry... but that's part of the pity party I'm not allowed to have right now. So I guess that's that for now...
I have completed my study of the 8 Les Mills 'Body Classes' and can now rank them as follows:
1. Combat - yay for pent-up aggression release!
2. Pump - not a lot to screw up. Barbell go up, barbell go down
3. RPM - once again, not a lot to screw up. Pedal fast, pedal slow
4. Vive - doesn't really do it for me, but not as easy to screw up as the rest on the list.
5. Jam - like Step... without the step. How easy it is to undertstand depends on the instructor.
6. Attack - eh, just aerobics. Nothing special.
7. Flow - yoga can suck it
8. Step - no. just no.
Hendrick is also having something called "Summer Shape up" where if you go to a class, you get a sticker. Everyone's names are out in the lobby on a several big bits of board just like in school. You put your sticker by your name and if you get 40 stickers in 10 weeks you get a t-shirt. This is right up my alley. Unfortunately, I am now officially in Physical Therapy for my knees so it's getting harder to cram in a class as well as PT (and after today's PT and then Jam class, I could probably say it's also unwise, but I WANT MY FRIGGING T-SHIRT!)
Today, I have six stickers.
Today was also trip 2 of 9 to PT. I do activities and then I get rubbed with a sonogram doo-dad & wrapped in giant inflatable ice packs. Today's interesting activity was basically scooting around a carpeted floor on a wheeled stool for 5 minutes -- forward and backward, forward and backward. Sounds funny? I dare you to try it and not sweat.
The diagnosis I've waited my whole life for: patellar tendinitis. Its extremely ironic name (for me at least)? "Jumper's Knee." I was hoping I could just get a knee replacement or two and then *boom* no pain. No such luck. No real surgery to treat it. Just ice packs and Ibuprofen and do some exercises... that I was doing anyway. Bleck. All I know is that I hurt more. A lot more. And I don't see how doing exercise is going to fix that when it's the chief cause. I'm not saying I'm stopping... no. I'm just saying I'm angry... but that's part of the pity party I'm not allowed to have right now. So I guess that's that for now...
Sunday, June 5, 2011
6 down, 2 to go
The walk in Hamlin was a lot of fun... you should always bring your pet skinny person to a race: it does wonders for your pace! Though Doug was vaguely annoying - he didn't even break a sweat... but I'm really glad he came. He gets 10000 Awesome Husband Points.
So now I have TWO shirts in my 'Exercising. On purpose' collection.
(I went ahead and signed up for the 3 hour endurance thing in two weeks as well.)
After the walk, I went to BodyFlow (yoga/tai chi/pilates)... which is currently fighting it out with BodyStep in "Liz's List of Things She'd Rather Go to the Dentist than Do." I won't be returning any time soon. I've gone quite inflexible in my old age (I say as I unwrap myself from my icepacks and take a moment to pop a couple of Ibuprofen): by the time I gathered up my will to try the particularly bendy move they were exhibiting, they were already 3 moves away. I ended up on my hands and knees a lot because I can't manage a 'Downward Dog' so now I'm bruised up and feel like my knee caps are coming unanchored.
Two more to go in the "Body" collection (there's also something called "Art of Strength" to try as well as a trip to the pool for water aerobics): BodyJam - which I will try tomorrow - and BodyAttack - which doesn't appear until Thursday @ 4:15. Sooooo starting Tuesday, I pick the things I want to make a habit of attending (so far: Combat, Pump and RPM.)
I'm looking around for some extra padding for the spinning class and have found some padded bike briefs by a company called "Andiamo!" They're cheap enough... but still, not sure they'll fit.
Ugh.
Still pretty sore from my adventures this week, but went ahead and walked at around 5 (2x around Redbud. Thought about 3rd, but I jogged a bit so I was extra tired). It was still in the 90s, but at least there was a little breeze blowing. I've started noticing that my face is turning in to one giant freckle so I added a layer to my disguise and invested in a cap emblazoned with the name of my high school mascot ('eagles' - ohhh yea. I ooze with school spirit) as well as some face sunscreen (so the label actually says it's FACE sunscreen... if you put it somewhere else, is it immediately rended ineffective?)
Wheeee!
So now I have TWO shirts in my 'Exercising. On purpose' collection.
(I went ahead and signed up for the 3 hour endurance thing in two weeks as well.)
After the walk, I went to BodyFlow (yoga/tai chi/pilates)... which is currently fighting it out with BodyStep in "Liz's List of Things She'd Rather Go to the Dentist than Do." I won't be returning any time soon. I've gone quite inflexible in my old age (I say as I unwrap myself from my icepacks and take a moment to pop a couple of Ibuprofen): by the time I gathered up my will to try the particularly bendy move they were exhibiting, they were already 3 moves away. I ended up on my hands and knees a lot because I can't manage a 'Downward Dog' so now I'm bruised up and feel like my knee caps are coming unanchored.
Two more to go in the "Body" collection (there's also something called "Art of Strength" to try as well as a trip to the pool for water aerobics): BodyJam - which I will try tomorrow - and BodyAttack - which doesn't appear until Thursday @ 4:15. Sooooo starting Tuesday, I pick the things I want to make a habit of attending (so far: Combat, Pump and RPM.)
I'm looking around for some extra padding for the spinning class and have found some padded bike briefs by a company called "Andiamo!" They're cheap enough... but still, not sure they'll fit.
Ugh.
Still pretty sore from my adventures this week, but went ahead and walked at around 5 (2x around Redbud. Thought about 3rd, but I jogged a bit so I was extra tired). It was still in the 90s, but at least there was a little breeze blowing. I've started noticing that my face is turning in to one giant freckle so I added a layer to my disguise and invested in a cap emblazoned with the name of my high school mascot ('eagles' - ohhh yea. I ooze with school spirit) as well as some face sunscreen (so the label actually says it's FACE sunscreen... if you put it somewhere else, is it immediately rended ineffective?)
Wheeee!
Friday, June 3, 2011
I think we have a winner!!!
Ok, so I still have three more classes to try before I can give a truly informed opinion, but I'm thinking that today's foray will end up being the winner:
BODYCOMBAT
("combination martial arts class")
or... Beginner Asskicking as I will fondly think of it.
The teacher was a dude this time. I think his name was Terry, but I don't remember... he was really nice and very energetic (aren't they all tho?)
He warned me that I would probably feel very lost like I did in Step, but I actually caught on pretty fast. The only things that gave me problems were the kicks: can't get my chubby little legs up that high and later on there were some push ups and - I'm sorry - I tried to "push through the pain" or whatever, but I still can't do push ups. I just weigh too damned much. He was very understanding though and showed modified movements throughout to make it a little easier.
Still, there was lots of smiling and motivational shouting that I whole-heartedly participated in.
I can very easily see myself cruising in there after a particularly crappy day at work and pretending to beat the crap out of all those who... eh... seek to oppress me.
Still on the list are Attack, Flow and Jam.
There's a Flow class tomorrow if I get back from the 5K in Hamlin in time (I'm sure I will.)
My companion for the walk has been sidelined for medical reasons and my mom has to go out of town... circumstances have yielded a surprise and very welcome guest: HUSBAND!!! I thought when he said he'd go that he'd just cheer me on, but no, he's going to walk with me! >>>excited<<<
BODYCOMBAT
("combination martial arts class")
or... Beginner Asskicking as I will fondly think of it.
The teacher was a dude this time. I think his name was Terry, but I don't remember... he was really nice and very energetic (aren't they all tho?)
He warned me that I would probably feel very lost like I did in Step, but I actually caught on pretty fast. The only things that gave me problems were the kicks: can't get my chubby little legs up that high and later on there were some push ups and - I'm sorry - I tried to "push through the pain" or whatever, but I still can't do push ups. I just weigh too damned much. He was very understanding though and showed modified movements throughout to make it a little easier.
Still, there was lots of smiling and motivational shouting that I whole-heartedly participated in.
I can very easily see myself cruising in there after a particularly crappy day at work and pretending to beat the crap out of all those who... eh... seek to oppress me.
Still on the list are Attack, Flow and Jam.
There's a Flow class tomorrow if I get back from the 5K in Hamlin in time (I'm sure I will.)
My companion for the walk has been sidelined for medical reasons and my mom has to go out of town... circumstances have yielded a surprise and very welcome guest: HUSBAND!!! I thought when he said he'd go that he'd just cheer me on, but no, he's going to walk with me! >>>excited<<<
Thursday, June 2, 2011
all good things in moderation...
... which is something I didn't follow today.
Today's experiment was a 2 parter: RPM (spinning) and BodyVive ("low impact cardio and strength.")
I really liked RPM except for one thing: my giant ass on that tiny little seat for an hour was not exactly a comfortable ride. I do declare that real cyclists must be the most sexually unresponsive people in the world (unless you buy those padded bike shorts I've seen in magazines, but I really don't want to be the dork in the REAL cycling shorts in the fake cycling class.) Forgive the crudity, but the idea of walking away from an experience with a callous on my clit doesn't really seem like a fair trade for super toned legs.
It was a good class though so I will have to research some sort of something I can do to make my ride more comfortable. The teacher was very nice (and looked like Maggie Gyllenhaal) and encouraging in a good way... not the way that made me feel like a flailing spazz like in Step. Though - same as Pump - there's not a lot of choreography to "pedal slow, pedal fast."
I should have just rode the nice high after that, but no -- in my quest to experience everything, I went directly to BodyVive.
Vive will be the class that I take my mom to - it reminded me most of the Sweatin' to the Oldies tapes she used to make me do. I will think of it more fondly as "S&M for Dummies" as there was an evil stretchy band and smooshy ball we were made to manipulate.
(at one point I think I offended another girl in the class because she told us to put the balls and bands away because we weren't using them yet and it basically came out "put your balls to the wall" which I called her on because it was an AWESOME thing to say, but she denied it...)
It was a good class too, but my legs were already wobbling from the RPM so it was really really hard for me (this teacher looked like Reese Witherspoon.)
Afterward I rewarded myself with a smoothy... I will put this under the heading of trying everything ONCE that my new club has to offer. I calculated later and that dinky little smoothy (called "The Elvis" - chocobanana... I should have guessed) was 12 points. My DINNER from Sunway was 12 points.
Even worse, I did Vive instead of going to my Weight Watchers meeting, but I still went and weighed afterwards. I shouldn't have done the smoothy. All 16 fat ounces of Elvis sat in my belly and I gained.
... I choose to blame the smoothy. I've been too good this week for it to be anything else.
Tomorrow I meet with their personal trainer for that assessment thingie (I think I told ya'll that.)
After that, I might walk... or I might just curl up and die -- it all depends on degree of soreness tomorrow.
:-)
Oh and --
apparently when the office Chubb-o gets motivated, the effect spreads. There are two other girls in my office who want to join up and one who already goes there who says I'm making her feel motivated... or something to that extent.
Good stuff, right?
Today's experiment was a 2 parter: RPM (spinning) and BodyVive ("low impact cardio and strength.")
I really liked RPM except for one thing: my giant ass on that tiny little seat for an hour was not exactly a comfortable ride. I do declare that real cyclists must be the most sexually unresponsive people in the world (unless you buy those padded bike shorts I've seen in magazines, but I really don't want to be the dork in the REAL cycling shorts in the fake cycling class.) Forgive the crudity, but the idea of walking away from an experience with a callous on my clit doesn't really seem like a fair trade for super toned legs.
It was a good class though so I will have to research some sort of something I can do to make my ride more comfortable. The teacher was very nice (and looked like Maggie Gyllenhaal) and encouraging in a good way... not the way that made me feel like a flailing spazz like in Step. Though - same as Pump - there's not a lot of choreography to "pedal slow, pedal fast."
I should have just rode the nice high after that, but no -- in my quest to experience everything, I went directly to BodyVive.
Vive will be the class that I take my mom to - it reminded me most of the Sweatin' to the Oldies tapes she used to make me do. I will think of it more fondly as "S&M for Dummies" as there was an evil stretchy band and smooshy ball we were made to manipulate.
(at one point I think I offended another girl in the class because she told us to put the balls and bands away because we weren't using them yet and it basically came out "put your balls to the wall" which I called her on because it was an AWESOME thing to say, but she denied it...)
It was a good class too, but my legs were already wobbling from the RPM so it was really really hard for me (this teacher looked like Reese Witherspoon.)
Afterward I rewarded myself with a smoothy... I will put this under the heading of trying everything ONCE that my new club has to offer. I calculated later and that dinky little smoothy (called "The Elvis" - chocobanana... I should have guessed) was 12 points. My DINNER from Sunway was 12 points.
Even worse, I did Vive instead of going to my Weight Watchers meeting, but I still went and weighed afterwards. I shouldn't have done the smoothy. All 16 fat ounces of Elvis sat in my belly and I gained.
... I choose to blame the smoothy. I've been too good this week for it to be anything else.
Tomorrow I meet with their personal trainer for that assessment thingie (I think I told ya'll that.)
After that, I might walk... or I might just curl up and die -- it all depends on degree of soreness tomorrow.
:-)
Oh and --
apparently when the office Chubb-o gets motivated, the effect spreads. There are two other girls in my office who want to join up and one who already goes there who says I'm making her feel motivated... or something to that extent.
Good stuff, right?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
barbell go up, barbell go down
Today's method of torture was called "Body Pump."
(... isn't it cute how they all have little names like that? Not just 'Skinny People Torture You - Pts 1-8')
It's a weight lifting class.
The little girl teaching it got me all set up. Started me off with 2 little 2.5 lb weights. Yep, 5 lbs total. I'm looking at it going, "pussy little baby weights!!" Well, those pussy little baby weights kicked my ass. By the time it was over, I could barely lift my keys up to drive home.
I liked it better than Step tho. There's not really a lot of choreography to "barbell go up, barbell go down."
2 down, 6 more to try.
I think I shall do RPM (spinning) tomorrow. I'll have to get up a smidge earlier so I can leave work in time to do it before Weight Watchers (gawd this self improvement thing is getting expensive!! $30 for WW, $44 for the gym.)
Then on Friday I meet with one of their trainers to have some sort of assessment so they actually have, in writing, what a limp noodle I am.
Wheee!
(... isn't it cute how they all have little names like that? Not just 'Skinny People Torture You - Pts 1-8')
It's a weight lifting class.
The little girl teaching it got me all set up. Started me off with 2 little 2.5 lb weights. Yep, 5 lbs total. I'm looking at it going, "pussy little baby weights!!" Well, those pussy little baby weights kicked my ass. By the time it was over, I could barely lift my keys up to drive home.
I liked it better than Step tho. There's not really a lot of choreography to "barbell go up, barbell go down."
2 down, 6 more to try.
I think I shall do RPM (spinning) tomorrow. I'll have to get up a smidge earlier so I can leave work in time to do it before Weight Watchers (gawd this self improvement thing is getting expensive!! $30 for WW, $44 for the gym.)
Then on Friday I meet with one of their trainers to have some sort of assessment so they actually have, in writing, what a limp noodle I am.
Wheee!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
"freedom from choice is what you want..."
I joined Hendrick Health Club.
I was given the chance to sample one of their classses. I made the wrong choice:
BodyStep
(step aerobics - just like it sounds)
I went because my friend Seth (who actually teaches that same kind of class) was going to take it as just a participant and so I followed just because I knew him.
There was loud music and 2 Crazy Skinny Bitches* up on a stage. There was lots of confused flailing on my part. When I woke up from the exercise-induced hypnotic state that the aforementioned Crazy Skinny Bitches put me in, I was all sweaty and lots of people (old people mostly) were telling me not to "get discouraged" and that I did "really well."
I actually didn't feel that bad until the words of encouragement -- they had sort of the opposite effect.
Thank goodness all the classes are relatively poorly lit (for the very reason you would think: us fatties don't like the idea of other people watching us as we gyrate.)
* they were actually really nice, but anyone who does all that choreographed stepping & jumping for the better part of an hour and smiles cheerfully throughout qualifies as a "CSB."
So the recommended attendance for a gym so you don't get burned out is 3x a week. Tomorrow will still be relatively hot. Do I walk or do I try another class? My choices are RPM (spinning?), BodyPump (weights) or BodyVive (it says "low-impact cardio & strength class.")
BodyVive sounds like a winner, but it's the later one (6:45) -- I really wanted one I could hit right after work. 'Course I could always get up earlier so I could leave work earlier (we have a slightly flexible schedule @ work) for BodyJam ("dance-inspired workout.")
Or... saints preserve us!!! I could get up in the wee hours and go BEFORE work. No... I've come along way in the last 4 weeks, but I'm not THAT far yet!
Eek.
I was given the chance to sample one of their classses. I made the wrong choice:
BodyStep
(step aerobics - just like it sounds)
I went because my friend Seth (who actually teaches that same kind of class) was going to take it as just a participant and so I followed just because I knew him.
There was loud music and 2 Crazy Skinny Bitches* up on a stage. There was lots of confused flailing on my part. When I woke up from the exercise-induced hypnotic state that the aforementioned Crazy Skinny Bitches put me in, I was all sweaty and lots of people (old people mostly) were telling me not to "get discouraged" and that I did "really well."
I actually didn't feel that bad until the words of encouragement -- they had sort of the opposite effect.
Thank goodness all the classes are relatively poorly lit (for the very reason you would think: us fatties don't like the idea of other people watching us as we gyrate.)
* they were actually really nice, but anyone who does all that choreographed stepping & jumping for the better part of an hour and smiles cheerfully throughout qualifies as a "CSB."
So the recommended attendance for a gym so you don't get burned out is 3x a week. Tomorrow will still be relatively hot. Do I walk or do I try another class? My choices are RPM (spinning?), BodyPump (weights) or BodyVive (it says "low-impact cardio & strength class.")
BodyVive sounds like a winner, but it's the later one (6:45) -- I really wanted one I could hit right after work. 'Course I could always get up earlier so I could leave work earlier (we have a slightly flexible schedule @ work) for BodyJam ("dance-inspired workout.")
Or... saints preserve us!!! I could get up in the wee hours and go BEFORE work. No... I've come along way in the last 4 weeks, but I'm not THAT far yet!
Eek.
Monday, May 30, 2011
"it's high time to choose your destiny..."
Yesterday was for endurance.
I managed to walk something like 6 & 1/4 miles (4x around Red Bud.) 10K
There's an endurance event in about 2 weeks. Because it's not how FAR you go, but how long - it says it's a "walker friendly" event. It's 3 hrs and 6 hours. My walk yesterday took a hair over 2 hours and I think I could have gone for the full three, but I started getting a pretty wicked blister on the botton of my foot. I'd like to have done it just so I could say ahead of time that I could (like I did with the 5K), but this time I am hoping that maybe just getting 2/3rd of the way means I could PROBABLY do it the day of. It's a night time event. If I last the 3 hours, it would be 9pm-12pm... seems like fun - to be out walking late like that. Surely, it can't be as hot then... surely.
Today - even though I'm doing ice packs and Ibuprofen as advised by my cousin the P.A. - I was hurting & decided to take a rest day. I know all the online stuff says you need to take at least ONE rest day a week, but I hadn't been.
So I decided to go for some nice, restful yoga.
HA.
I haven't tried yoga in a long time.
Yea, I'm not real flexible. I used to be. This sounds rather perverse, but a kid at school once paid me a quarter to watch me put both my legs behind my head (no, I was NOT wearing a dress.)
I actually feel more worn out from the yoga than I've felt from the walking EVER.
Also...
I think I've narrowed down my choices for a health club to join. I'm leaning toward the one affiliated with the hospital (Hendrick.) It's on the north side (con), but it's got the machines, classes AND a pool (pro pro pro.) And somehow I just feel like a hospital's health club isn't going to tell me to do something crazy if it was ultimately bad for me (I just remember my World Gym membership and how they had me doing stuff that was killing my knees.)
So -- I've submitted an online form to get them to contact me and I've requested that my friend Seth (who instructs there) give me his professional opinion about the joint.
* * *
AND I've just discovered the option to add other authors to this blog. Anyone out there starting to "exercise on purpose" who wants to chronicle it?
I managed to walk something like 6 & 1/4 miles (4x around Red Bud.) 10K
There's an endurance event in about 2 weeks. Because it's not how FAR you go, but how long - it says it's a "walker friendly" event. It's 3 hrs and 6 hours. My walk yesterday took a hair over 2 hours and I think I could have gone for the full three, but I started getting a pretty wicked blister on the botton of my foot. I'd like to have done it just so I could say ahead of time that I could (like I did with the 5K), but this time I am hoping that maybe just getting 2/3rd of the way means I could PROBABLY do it the day of. It's a night time event. If I last the 3 hours, it would be 9pm-12pm... seems like fun - to be out walking late like that. Surely, it can't be as hot then... surely.
Today - even though I'm doing ice packs and Ibuprofen as advised by my cousin the P.A. - I was hurting & decided to take a rest day. I know all the online stuff says you need to take at least ONE rest day a week, but I hadn't been.
So I decided to go for some nice, restful yoga.
HA.
I haven't tried yoga in a long time.
Yea, I'm not real flexible. I used to be. This sounds rather perverse, but a kid at school once paid me a quarter to watch me put both my legs behind my head (no, I was NOT wearing a dress.)
I actually feel more worn out from the yoga than I've felt from the walking EVER.
Also...
I think I've narrowed down my choices for a health club to join. I'm leaning toward the one affiliated with the hospital (Hendrick.) It's on the north side (con), but it's got the machines, classes AND a pool (pro pro pro.) And somehow I just feel like a hospital's health club isn't going to tell me to do something crazy if it was ultimately bad for me (I just remember my World Gym membership and how they had me doing stuff that was killing my knees.)
So -- I've submitted an online form to get them to contact me and I've requested that my friend Seth (who instructs there) give me his professional opinion about the joint.
* * *
AND I've just discovered the option to add other authors to this blog. Anyone out there starting to "exercise on purpose" who wants to chronicle it?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"Upwards to the vanguard..."
Walked today even though it was still hellaciously hot.
Had company today -- my dear friend Tara. We made it 1x around Red Bud, but the heat was just too much. We went at around 2pm - I was going to wait, but -same as last night- it wasn't slated to get cooler again until the wee hours.
We are gonna get on top of this thing and do it right -- she lives right by the middle school she and I went to as youths. Tomorrow we're gonna hit that for our laps... if I wake up in a timely enough fashion to call and rouse her. I've stayed up a hair late tonight... might end up being 11ish before my little eyeballs open and I get moving. It'll probably be 112 then for all I know.
Will mix things up with her Tae Bo tapes and perhaps whatever else we can dial up on Netflix for workout purposes when it's just too hot to go safely go outside.
Next weekend, if things go well, Tara will be attacking her first 5K walk -- something I found in Hamlin called "Runnin' the Buff."
I've already got my registration all done for the Susan G Komen Breast cancer thing in Dallas in Oct. If I don't break her of ever wanting to do this again, maybe she'll want to do that too.
:-)
Had company today -- my dear friend Tara. We made it 1x around Red Bud, but the heat was just too much. We went at around 2pm - I was going to wait, but -same as last night- it wasn't slated to get cooler again until the wee hours.
We are gonna get on top of this thing and do it right -- she lives right by the middle school she and I went to as youths. Tomorrow we're gonna hit that for our laps... if I wake up in a timely enough fashion to call and rouse her. I've stayed up a hair late tonight... might end up being 11ish before my little eyeballs open and I get moving. It'll probably be 112 then for all I know.
Will mix things up with her Tae Bo tapes and perhaps whatever else we can dial up on Netflix for workout purposes when it's just too hot to go safely go outside.
Next weekend, if things go well, Tara will be attacking her first 5K walk -- something I found in Hamlin called "Runnin' the Buff."
I've already got my registration all done for the Susan G Komen Breast cancer thing in Dallas in Oct. If I don't break her of ever wanting to do this again, maybe she'll want to do that too.
:-)
Friday, May 27, 2011
"Feelin' hot hot HOT"
I hate Abilene for a multitude of reasons. Today I hate it because of the weather. I'm not sure exactly hot it was when I walked today, but it maxed out at 106 - it's 91 right now and it's 10:30 (I walked 7:30-8:30).
I shouldn't have walked. I should have stayed instead and played on my Wii or something because I'd say this is actually a step backward. I have now coupled walking with an image of negative reinforcement instead of positive -- walking, drenched in sweat, my pace slower than usual... feeling like I'm being punished. No, this will never do.
It's supposed to be worse tomorrow. Summer isn't for several more weeks, but, yea, this is pretty par-for-the-West-Texas-course.
This means I have to make a decision: do I buy a gym membership? I've been thinking about it a lot lately and there are a lot more choices to consider than before. Abilene has a lot more gyms, more options. I have had 2 gym memberships in my life - once when I was probably twelve (Power Shack - the first time Mom drug me to Weight Watchers), and then once in college (World Gym - it's closed down now) - I went gung ho for about three months and then just stopped.
So if I go by previous experience, I won't use it.
...or will I? If it means, I can avoid the blast furnance I walked through today? I think I might.
So: Hendrick Health, Power Shack, Anytime Fitness, or the YMCA. Power Shack and the Y have pools and I think that's probably important - if nothing else, for variety. Anytime Fitness has the "anytime" thing going for it - I could wake up in the middle of the night and decide I just really really need to hit a treadmill or something... I don't know much about Hendrick 'cept it's connected w/ the hospital and my friend Seth teaches some sort of horrible "crack of dawn" ass kicking class there.
The dilemma I'm dealing with here is the fact that walking is free (mildly boring), my recumbent bike (extremely boring) and the Wii (pretty boring) are long since paid for. Comitting to a gym membership means I won't flake out on this... and flaking out is my style.
Anyone who watches me crochet and tells me, oh golly, I must have oodles of patience, doesn't know me very well. I get bored instantly. Crafts are probably the one area where I do have some amount of patience and even though I've been knitting and crocheting pretty steadily for several years now, I haven't touched a counted cross stitch kit (my old love) in seven years.
For awhile, I lived for WoW, later I was crazy for gardening, one summer, all I wanted to do was go fishing. Each time, I lived for my new obsession and each time I woke up one morning and didn't want it anymore.
I guess I should stop holding myself to my old M.O., I've flaked out on a lot of things, but I'm 30 now. There's no telling what that means. In a year, if my efforts pay off, I could take up Championship Bodybuilding or have an infomercial about not being fat anymore ala Susan Powter.
So, yea, I'm gonna join somewhere.
The question is where?
I am newly relinquished of my most recent obsession (a band I won't name & an experience I won't get in to right now) so I'm looking for a new place to belong. Who knows? Best case scenario, I can pour all my passion in to the pursuit of bettering myself the same way I used to do trailing fruitlessly after them.
We shall see... we kind of have to, the Hot Time has only just begun....
I shouldn't have walked. I should have stayed instead and played on my Wii or something because I'd say this is actually a step backward. I have now coupled walking with an image of negative reinforcement instead of positive -- walking, drenched in sweat, my pace slower than usual... feeling like I'm being punished. No, this will never do.
It's supposed to be worse tomorrow. Summer isn't for several more weeks, but, yea, this is pretty par-for-the-West-Texas-course.
This means I have to make a decision: do I buy a gym membership? I've been thinking about it a lot lately and there are a lot more choices to consider than before. Abilene has a lot more gyms, more options. I have had 2 gym memberships in my life - once when I was probably twelve (Power Shack - the first time Mom drug me to Weight Watchers), and then once in college (World Gym - it's closed down now) - I went gung ho for about three months and then just stopped.
So if I go by previous experience, I won't use it.
...or will I? If it means, I can avoid the blast furnance I walked through today? I think I might.
So: Hendrick Health, Power Shack, Anytime Fitness, or the YMCA. Power Shack and the Y have pools and I think that's probably important - if nothing else, for variety. Anytime Fitness has the "anytime" thing going for it - I could wake up in the middle of the night and decide I just really really need to hit a treadmill or something... I don't know much about Hendrick 'cept it's connected w/ the hospital and my friend Seth teaches some sort of horrible "crack of dawn" ass kicking class there.
The dilemma I'm dealing with here is the fact that walking is free (mildly boring), my recumbent bike (extremely boring) and the Wii (pretty boring) are long since paid for. Comitting to a gym membership means I won't flake out on this... and flaking out is my style.
Anyone who watches me crochet and tells me, oh golly, I must have oodles of patience, doesn't know me very well. I get bored instantly. Crafts are probably the one area where I do have some amount of patience and even though I've been knitting and crocheting pretty steadily for several years now, I haven't touched a counted cross stitch kit (my old love) in seven years.
For awhile, I lived for WoW, later I was crazy for gardening, one summer, all I wanted to do was go fishing. Each time, I lived for my new obsession and each time I woke up one morning and didn't want it anymore.
I guess I should stop holding myself to my old M.O., I've flaked out on a lot of things, but I'm 30 now. There's no telling what that means. In a year, if my efforts pay off, I could take up Championship Bodybuilding or have an infomercial about not being fat anymore ala Susan Powter.
So, yea, I'm gonna join somewhere.
The question is where?
I am newly relinquished of my most recent obsession (a band I won't name & an experience I won't get in to right now) so I'm looking for a new place to belong. Who knows? Best case scenario, I can pour all my passion in to the pursuit of bettering myself the same way I used to do trailing fruitlessly after them.
We shall see... we kind of have to, the Hot Time has only just begun....
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"Nice. Let's go through this again..."
I've undertaken "fitness" again.
As I've gone for walks in the last several weeks, I've thought I had better document it (hell, it might actually WORK this time!) and though I've left various pieces of myself on the web for all to see since I was 17, none of them felt right to return to. None felt like home.
I haven't blogged since my friend Earl died - a year and a half ago.
The only thought I've had about that was from the end of one of my favorite books when I was a kid, "Go Ask Alice" (yes, yes, I know it's fake, but at the time I thought it was the most heart-wrenchingly real thing I'd ever read.) At the end, she decides to stop writing in her diary - that adults had a support network of people to talk to and didn't need to write it all down.
I haven't felt the tickle... not even a little this whole time... until now.
So: this is my "establishing shot"... I'll get to the messy stuff later (where I've been, where I'm going & why... and why in the world I think that - at 30 - I might finally get anywhere near my goals when I've failed to do so thus far since I was in elementary school.)
It's late.
:-)
... but this should prove worthwhile.
As I've gone for walks in the last several weeks, I've thought I had better document it (hell, it might actually WORK this time!) and though I've left various pieces of myself on the web for all to see since I was 17, none of them felt right to return to. None felt like home.
I haven't blogged since my friend Earl died - a year and a half ago.
The only thought I've had about that was from the end of one of my favorite books when I was a kid, "Go Ask Alice" (yes, yes, I know it's fake, but at the time I thought it was the most heart-wrenchingly real thing I'd ever read.) At the end, she decides to stop writing in her diary - that adults had a support network of people to talk to and didn't need to write it all down.
I haven't felt the tickle... not even a little this whole time... until now.
So: this is my "establishing shot"... I'll get to the messy stuff later (where I've been, where I'm going & why... and why in the world I think that - at 30 - I might finally get anywhere near my goals when I've failed to do so thus far since I was in elementary school.)
It's late.
:-)
... but this should prove worthwhile.
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